Lonely

I am going to be honest here and say that lately I have been feeling a little lonely.

I want to start off by saying that I am SO thankful for everything that GOD has provided for us here in O'Fallon.  We are where we are supposed to be and I know that.  I thank God every night for the amazing life He has given me and am in awe of what He has done to get us here.  I love spending my life with Steven.  I love our church and our teenagers.  I love our house.  I love my job.  I even love our dog (most days).  Usually, I say that O'Fallon is a nice distance from home... 3.5 hours is short enough that we can come home whenever we need/want to (if our jobs permit), but long enough that we are forced to be independent as a couple and stand on our own two feet... Not to mention, it is nice that we miss out on some of the family drama!

But what is missing here is friends...  Just good, fun, solid, friendships.

Last weekend, Steven and I went to Buffalo Wild Wings with a friend from church, Steve, and his girlfriend, Megan.  Steve kept running into old friends from high school.  On the way home, Steven and I discussed how it must be nice to be able to just run into so many people who you have known for years and catch up with them right where you left off. 

We have made some great relationships here.  The church welcomed us with open arms and we are so thankful for these people.  But I was reminded tonight just how volatile it can be.  As a pastor and his wife, it's safe to say that our every move and word is evaluated and more often than I'd like, criticized.  Obviously, we want to live lives of integrity and be good examples in our character for the teens.  But we are human, too.  Sometimes we don't have the right words to say, sometimes our temper is a little short, sometimes we are tired.  Sometimes we wake up late, sometimes we forget things, sometimes (okay, all of the time) we can't keep everyone happy.  There can be a lot of pressure on both of us, but we can't be perfect.

Which is why we need friends outside of the church, too, who don't expect that of us, and that we can come to with doubts, insecurities, or struggles...

Even tonight, the speaker at the Youth Rally was someone we were acquaintances with in Springfield.  He went to BBC and was also at our church.  I knew who he was, and we'd spoken a few times, but were not close by any means.  But still, somehow, seeing someone- anyone- from our "old" life was comforting and made the environment feel just a little more like home.


That's what I am missing... the feeling of being HOME... of seeing my old high school friends and being in my hometown.  Knowing where everything is and how to get there.  Knowing that there are people there who love ME and will be there for me no. matter. what.  and that have proven themselves over the years in the test of time.  That I can be myself with and be so at ease that I can laugh until I cry.

I miss meeting up with with a friend for coffee or being able to get a group together to go to dinner or a movie.   I miss double or triple dating with girls that were Bridesmaids in my wedding.  I miss girl's nights where we just share life and laugh our heads off while taking goofy pictures like we are in Jr. High again.  The opportunity to put serious life aside for a while and just refresh.  Those are things that I think that all girls need... relationships... and I am feeling a bit of a void in that area right now.

Thanks for letting me vent.  Please don't take any of this too personal or read too much into it.  This is the first time I have posted anything like this on this blog for a reason, because (1) I don't usually feel this Emo, and (2) I feel that by posting something like this I'm also being vulnerable for people to understand and accepting of not being all the way held together all of the time.   My goal in life is to truly impact others (particularly our teens) by God's love.  I want His love to shine through me and be reflected by how I act and speak.  HE is my priority, not Girls Night... and I hope that this post does not cast doubt upon that in any way.

I feel like 1 Corinthians 15:58 was what I needed tonight...
"Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as you know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord."

And Colossians 3:23-24...
"And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as ot the Lord, and not unto men; knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ."

And 1 Peter 3:17 (can you tell I'm going through my Bible as we speak?... I think this is my favorite so far...)
"For it is better, if the will of God be so, that ye suffer for well doing, than for evil doing."

And 1 Peter 5:7...
"Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you."